sad and broken

having a moment.

as usual.



you ever had the feeling that you chose wrong, and then that starts off a string of problems that lead to a complete u-turn in your life?

i seem to be living in such a moment right now.


i've been thinking - whether it was a stubborn mistake to choose the route i'm in now. maybe if i hadn't been in this uni, i'd have been somewhere else in the world - and probably be less miserable about my state of affairs.

i admit.

i regret signing the damn contract.
i regret going into this uni.
i regret starting the whole questioning myself over the quality and relevance of my education.
i regret allowing myself to tolerate the kind of shit i'm getting from starfish.

and this is probably the only time i will allow myself to feel that way.
just because i need to get the whole miserable thing off my chest and out of my mind.


life is tiring.
it's like trying to find the end of the rainbow.
the moment you think you have reached, it seems to ahve extended itself furthur.
think abt it- you go through the whole paper chase and get a degree. and then you start work and life goes on while you go through the whole chase over the 5 'C's. Hopefully you fall in love somewhere in the process and you start a family. and then what next? watch your kids grow up? try to make your first million? look forward to retirement? wait for life to end?

there isn't an exact end goal to it. its like you're going through the motions just to get to the point where you stop breathing. maybe you'd have been the greatest philantrophist in the world. or created the biggest scandal since hollywood started. or have earned so much money that watever you say affects the damn dow jones index. or just be some random dude that died in a "final destination"-like freak accident. or just grew so old that your heart just stops because the time is up.
so what if you're any of these things?

my cousin says i'm too jaded. my nus friend says i expect too much of myself. my neighbor says the weird lines on my palm indicates i have a 80% chance of being retarded (which surprisingly, explains alot of things). my boss thinks i'm just scared.

i guess they are all right.


zzz i have serious issues don't i?